Are You Arguing With Reality?
Dear brilliant reader, are you arguing with reality?
What do I mean by arguing with reality?
I first heard about this when I listened to an interview with Chris Attwood by Raymond Aaron, which left a deep impression on me. Since then I have listened to that interview many times and what I share here is a distillation of what I learned, my understanding at this particular point in time.
Expansion and Contraction
At any moment, you could be moving toward expansion or contraction. How to tell which one you are in? Pretty simple, by noticing how you feel! When you feel angry, irritable, grumpy, frustrated, worried, anxious, upset, sad, mad, blaming, unfortunate, that’s a clear sign that you are in a contraction.
“Contraction” – Photo by neogabox
But when you feel loving, generous, thoughtful, open, excited, turned on, thrilled, relief, happiness, uplifted, lightness, in the light, you are in an expansion.
“Expansion” – Photo by ajawin
We all go through waves of contraction and expansion throughout the day, every single day. There will be moments when you notice that you’re a little irritated at what someone said, annoyed that a co-worker keep interrupting what you are doing, or upset when something doesn’t go as well as you have planned. Contractions are those times when you feel emotionally upset – it could be a minor or major upset – triggered by things, people, events and circumstances.
When we feel that contractions should not happen, when we feel that things need to be different than the way they are, that is when we argue with reality.
The feelings associated with contraction do not feel good, so we do everything we can to not feel it. But this means we are resisting what is… and as John Gray said, “What you resist, persists”.
In short, we argue with reality:
- when we feel that things need to be different than the way they are
- when we feel some emotional upset, feel disturbed in some way, and we try to avoid it.
So what do we do to reduce, even eliminate, our tendency to argue with reality? Here’s one way.
The Expansion Process
Chris Attwood, who authored “From Sad To Glad” together with his business partner and ex-wife Janet (who authored the brilliant book “The Passion Test“), formulated a 7 steps of the expansion process:
1. Notice when you are contracted.
The expansion process is a process of being conscious, so the first step is to notice when we are contracted, by always be aware of our feelings as we go through our daily experiences. Notice when you feel a bit irritable, grumpy, or a little upset. Most of us are not aware of these contractions unless it is a big one.
The expansion process is really about creating the habit of noticing any time we are contracted, because there is no reason that we have to stay longer in that state longer than absolutely necessary.
2. Breath deeply.
What do you notice when you breath? Breathing expands the chest! As you know, the physical affects the emotional, which affects the mental, which affects the spiritual. A change in any of those affects all of them. Consciously breathing more deeply when we feel an emotional upset creates physical expansion and it begins the process of expansion.
3. Ask to be open for expansiveness to come back.
Simply ask to be open to expand again.
4. Feel the emotion.
Allow yourself to feel the emotion that’s coming up. Perhaps take a moment by yourself, close your eyes, feel what emotion is in the body right at this time. The opposite of this is resisting the emotion. Personally I still often fall to the trap of noticing a contraction and immediately say “This too shall pass”, or “What is the lesson in this?”, without allowing myself feeling the emotion until it’s past or mostly past. This is actually a subtle way of resisting, which results in me still feeling like crap!
What you resist persists. ~John Gray
5. Feel the sensation in the body.
Anytime you feel some strong emotion, provided you are conscious and aware, there will be some sensation in the body. Tightness on your stomach, on the neck area, feels like your heart sank? Wherever it may be, allow your attention to go there. The principle is the same as when you stub your toe – do you have to make an effort to put your attention on your toe? The answer is No, isn’t it? The attention naturally goes to your toe, that’s how nature is setup…
Our attention is a mechanism for healing what is needed to be healed within us.
I once asked my acupuncturist about the significance of sticking the needles in an area of our body. She said, by sticking the needles in the correct spot in the body that needs healing makes our body send more energy to that area. This is the same principle in action!
Coming back to feeling the sensation in the body, notice when it is gone or mostly gone. That’s when you can proceed to step 6.
6. Use the tools.
A tool is anything which you know will help you to expand again. It might be different for each person. For me it could be sitting on the piano and play some tune, play the guitar, close my eyes and smile to my heart, or read an inspirational blog post, among others. For you it might be taking a bubble bath, listening to your favorite music, dancing, going to the gym, asana yoga, etc. Whatever makes you feel more relaxed, calmer, and move towards expansion, that’s your tool! Your tools can be physical (like going to the gym, dancing, asana yoga, pilates), emotional (like listening to music, lighting aromatherapy candle), mental (focusing on your goal / vision, repeating Ho’oponopono cleaning phrases, self-enquiry process like The Work of Byron Katie, Sedona Method, etc), or spiritual (meditation, prayer, reading spiritual books, singing devotional hymn, etc). You can do any of those and they’ll create an effect on all of them.
Meditation – one of Spiritual tools – Photo by oddsock
7. Communicate clearly.
We’re now in a position to think more rationally, to think from a place of clarity, about what is the best solution to this challenge we may be dealing with, and then to communicate that in a kind, yet clear, way to the person we speak with (or to ourselves). Here is where we can focus on “What is the lesson in this?”. At the end of step 6, we’re in a place where we release, let go, of the emotion. So here in step 7 we are ready to truly understand what it is about the situation we can learn from, or grow form.
Parting Words
There is a quote I absolutely love:
When we argue with reality, we lose and only 100% of the time. ~Byron Katie
To what degree are you still arguing with reality? Go through the 7 steps again and see if Chris Attwood’s expansion process works for you! It certainly has helped me a lot, although I have to admit it’s not yet automatic to go through the process whenever I feel contracted… it takes time for a new habit to form and at first it takes a lot of will power too.
As a closing remark I’d love to share one of my one-take impromptu music titled “A Sketch of Reality”… enjoy!
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Much Love and Gratitude,
Andre
You are simply a remarkable blogger. You always leads me to feeling calm blissful and smiling. I appreciate that so much about you.
You are very timely on your post: I was actually MOVING TOWARDS CONTRACTION yesterday. The greatest part about it was I noticed when I was contracted. I was pretty awful to myself, my son, and my husband. So i did what you mentioned here “Use the tools” I took an hour bath. I went into my own journey of happiness. I went deep inward. I did deep breathing. I just did anything to lead me back again to feelings of expansion all over again. I also
“Communicate clearly” with Jeff and told him I need time alone. Just for ME.
Both my babies (jeff & jeroen) left me alone. I felt very good afterwards.
Because only when you feel expansion can you really able GIVE that away as well. It’s so important as you said:
1.) Notice when your contracted
2.) Breathe deeply
3.) Use the Tools
No need to spread negativity around. In every situation we MAKE OUR OWN “WEATHER”. Needless to say I went from being negative to feeling the sunshine all over again. Just following the simple steps you outlined here.
By the way, this brought a lot of value
“I once asked my acupuncturist about the significance of sticking the needles in an area of our body. She said, by sticking the needles in the correct spot in the body that needs healing makes our body send more energy to that area. This is the same principle in action!”
THANKS FOR SHARING THIS INSIGHT WITH US
.-= Therese Miu´s last blog ..The Blissful ART of Being Single—Loving Yourself =-.
Therese, thank you for sharing your own experience on dealing with contraction with strength and grace. As we interact with people in our life, the words we say and how we say it when we were in a contraction will be different than when we were in expansion… and it could sometimes induce negative emotion in others.
I feel that when you decided to communicate clearly with Jeff, you were already in that space where you were open and ready to expand again. I love how you described it as “making your own weather” – that illustrates the point perfectly.
Lots of Love & Blessings,
Andre
.-= Andre Sumara´s last blog ..Are You Arguing With Reality? =-.
Great great post my friend. It may go without saying but this process takes some time to implement. Have patience. it’s not going to become “automatic” over night. Especially as you integrate the tools such as Ho’oponopono cleaning phrases, self-enquiry process like The Work of Byron Katie, Sedona Method.
Everyday is an exercise in just being as well as experiencing conscious connection to the divinity. That’s the part that I feel I’m here to not only learn & align myself with but also assist in bridging others to.
You my friend with this post, are assisting & bridging the gap for those who desire and wish to create a deeper connection with themselves and their connection to divinity.
I especially love and appreciate Therese’s strength in acknowledging she needed her space and asked for it. That’s so important and powerful. Bless you both
.-= Tony Teegarden´s last blog ..I Am But An Onion (And I Will Make You Cry) =-.
Thank you Tony, you are right that this process takes some time to implement. It is a new habit that need to replace an old one that no longer serves us, so it does take patience, will power, and self-discipline to establish.
I agree wholeheartedly that each day is an exercise and experience our connection to Divinity consciously… to learn and align ourselves and also to assist in bridging others too. The more we honour our own Divinity, the more we will recognize that a deeper connection with ourselves and the Divine is one and the same.
Yes, Therese’s strength and grace in how she was aware of the contraction and the steps she had taken to expand again is a shining example of how one can use the expansion process in real life situation.
Thanks brother for sharing your insight here! I always feel I learn so much from you
…
Lots of Love & Gratitude,
Andre
.-= Andre Sumara´s last blog ..Are You Arguing With Reality? =-.
Thank you Andre!
What a great message! Arguing with reality, denying the truth that sets us free is a great wake up call.
The biggest AHA for me is that emotions are neither good or bad and are guided messages to ourselves. Fear is a message to prepare. Anger is a message that our inside world is not congruent to our outside world.
An emotion fully experienced dissipates. They are like clouds in the sky and they come and go and the sun will shine again.
Thank you for making a difference! The world needs to hear your message.
.-= Eiji Morishita´s last blog ..Happy Valentine’s Day – 7 Simple Ways to Love Yourself More =-.
Thank you Eiji! Emotions whether labeled as good or bad are what come out from the meaning we attach to events or circumstances. You are right, emotions are guided messages to ourselves.
Personally I feel that emotion has to be fully experienced, without resisting it, before it can dissipate. However I also feel that there is a danger of being caught up in an emotion (especially the intense, negative ones, such as from a trauma) – that may get us wallowing in self-pity, without actually releasing it. So perhaps if it is something very intensely negative emotion, it is wise to get someone that has experience with helping others ‘getting clear’ to help us.
Thanks again for sharing your insight here Eiji!
Lots of Love & Blessings,
Andre
.-= Andre Sumara´s last blog ..Are You Arguing With Reality? =-.
Always a “WOW” post coming from you Andre. Thank you my friend. I love putting things through the perspective of contraction and expansion, rather than feeling irritated and angry or just happy. That way when I feel the contraction, I can take a step back rather than feeding my angry or irritated frame of mind, and when I am expanding I can truly surrender to that. We are all human, and any moment, a new emotion can settle within us and to truly master our emotional weather system, is a lifelong practice. But I love #4, which is to feel the emotion. I use to just brush off my emotion, but I think if we take the time to just go into our emotion and be present to it, we can surrender fully or get out of it quicker without leaving any scar. Thank you again Andre, your writing is a gem in my life.
Yours sincerely,
Erlina
Thank you for sharing your experience and insight Lina! Your comments never fail to elicit a smile in my heart! Taking a step back to a position of an observer really work wonders. Contraction and expansion come and go, and being aware of this fact really helps in our ability to surrender to the Divine will of this moment, without resisting the contraction and wanting the expansion to stay. It is indeed a lifelong practice to master our own “weather system”!
Lots of Love & Blessings,
Andre
.-= Andre Sumara´s last blog ..Are You Arguing With Reality? =-.
Wow!!! I really absolutely LOVED this post! So awesome.
The 2 quotes that really resonated with me were:
“Our attention is a mechanism for healing what is needed to be healed within us.”
“When we argue with reality, we lose and only 100% of the time.” ~Byron Katie
Also being aware of your own personal expansion and contraction is also a key to accessing your
intuition. I’ve been in situations where I felt contracted and left and
later found out it was for my highest good and that contraction was my intuition
speaking to me. The same thing occurs when I feel expanded I know I’m right
where I’m supposed to be. This is a great reminder to continue expanding. For when we
expand we are allowing love to come in.
Thanks so much Andre!
Yours in infinite expansion,
Thérèse
Thérèse, thank you for sharing your insight and experience here. I agree that the awareness of our own personal expansion and contraction is also a key to accessing our inner guidance system.
If you don’t mind me getting spiritual a bit, personally I like to differentiate between the “inner heart” which is the spark of the Divine within us that knows everything, and what is often referred to as “intuition”. Sometimes what we label as ‘intuition’ actually came from our subconscious (our programming, past memories) so sometimes it can still be based in fear, not Divine impulse. The inner heart always brings us closer towards Oneness and loving the Divine more, and it is the Divine impulse, the Divine will of this moment.
Just set the intention to recognize the difference. This is a concept that’s still not many are aware of, something I learned from a spiritual path that I found works for me
Much Love & Gratitude,
Andre
.-= Andre Sumara´s last blog ..Are You Arguing With Reality? =-.
Andre,
This was an amazing post. I should say ANOTHER amazing post! Many people will find this helpful because we are sometimes led to believe that we should suppress anything “negative” in an attempt to radiate positivity. But like Eiji mentions, realizing that emotions are neither negative or positive, but simply messages we need to receive, can be very liberating.
Thank you for sharing this valuable perspective and the useful tools.
Oh, I do have one question for you or anyone who would like to respond:
Are the steps still effective if you don’t have the time to use the tools at a given moment and instead implement at a later time? Let me give a scenario to clarify my question…
If I feel a contraction before having to step into my classroom and teach, I may not have the privacy and time to deal with the contraction until much later. Is it as effective to put the steps on “hold” until I do have a free moment to reflect? I find myself having to suppress emotions in my classroom in an attempt to maintain composure. FYI: I’m a cry baby and when I surrender to strong emotions, tears tend to result!
Would love to know your thoughts!
Thanks again!
Peace,
Sandy
Thanks Sandy, that is a very good point you raised. For ‘small’ contractions it usually don’t take much time at all to go through the process, especially once it becomes second nature to you.
My view is that the process will still be effective even if you deal with it later – because the unprocessed emotion will still be there until it gets released. At the very least you are now aware of the contraction the moment it happens, so you can immediately take a deep breath and ask to be open to expand again. From my experience, just doing these first 3 steps would already put you in a different space.
See if you can find quick tools you can use while in classroom environment, that can serve as your anchor. Perhaps looking at a photo that evoke good feelings inside you (your loved ones, your pet, nature, a place of special meaning for you, or people that inspire you), or taking a sip of water from your favorite mug. Find one or two quick tools that work for you.
On my desk I have a photo of the Dalai Lama that I look at whenever I experience contraction. That’s my anchor because it is a reminder that I too can be happy for no reason state, that I am in charge of how I feel at any moment.
Remember that other people, events, or circumstances can’t make you suffer without your permission. This is something I often remind myself too
Peace & Blessings,
Andre
.-= Andre Sumara´s last blog ..Are You Arguing With Reality? =-.
Andre, great blog post! I particularly identified with the portion where you talk about allowing yourself to feel the emotion. I too fall for the trap of “what lesson is there in this” etc.. before I actually allow myself to feel the feeling. I like how you point out that this is also a form of resistance. Very true and I hadn’t thought of it that way.
Thank you Lisa, that is a very common trap we fall for, especially for people who are interested at personal and spiritual growth. Even Chris Attwood, who formulated the 7 step Expansion Process admitted that he fell into the same trap before – so it happens with the best of them.
Experiencing the negative emotion does not feel good so we tend to avoid it at all cost… without realizing that it is a subtle form of resistance. Now that we have that awareness, we can choose to handle it differently!
Love & Gratitude,
Andre
.-= Andre Sumara´s last blog ..Are You Arguing With Reality? =-.
Andre, Love this post. From my experience there needs to be a detachment from the emotions we feel. A needing to see it as a separate entity from yourself so you could fully analyze it and learn whatever it is willing to teach you.
Thanks for the great read,
K. City Sylvester
.-= city sylvester´s last blog ..Part 2: Round House Kick Your Personal Brand into Action! =-.
Thank you City
. That’s a very good point you raised about being detached from the emotions we feel, that I didn’t mention. One way that works for me is to visualize myself floating far above the event… while intending to keep the spirit strong, before releasing the emotion and allow the learning to come.
Peace & Blessings,
Andre
.-= Andre Sumara´s last blog ..Are You Arguing With Reality? =-.